If you’ve been asking yourself “Why do I have painful sex?” you are not alone. Pain during and/or after intercourse is a frequent experience among many women. There are many different reasons why you might be having painful sex. Sadly, if you ask your doctor, in my opinion you will likely get the wrong answer to your question. While there ARE legitimate medical reasons why some women have painful sex, painful sex is normally emotional, not physical. Yes, it IS a physical experience and it is very real, but the physical is usually caused by the emotion underneath. On the surface, it might seem like you have a problem getting wet, or feel too tight, or just can’t seem to get turned on. These are all usually results of underlying emotion and often trauma from past or current relationships, experiences, or childhood upbringing. If this experience is something new for you or even if you have lived with it for most of your life, it may not be you at all! Sadly, most men don’t really know how to turn a woman on fully and misunderstand a woman’s level of arousal. Just because a woman is becoming wet simply doesn’t mean she is aroused enough to be ready for sex. Many men are all too quick to grab the lube and get inside, and when a woman is entered before being completely sexually aroused it is often painful and not enjoyable. Women often think there is something wrong with them. No, there is nothing wrong with you, your body is functioning perfectly. Your body is responding to your lover and meeting the level of arousal you are being presented with, or, you body is responding in a way that it has learned to from previous experiences. Now before you go blaming your partner, read on. If you are not responding to a lover you think you SHOULD be aroused by, then it might be time to look deeper into your self. In my experience, the most common reason for painful sex is prior emotional and sexual trauma that keeps energy from flowing. Simply stated, you may be emotionally and energetically blocked from opening yourself fully to full arousal. The most important thing to know at this point is that you are not broken! You are perfect. You are normal. Your body has simply responded to your prior experiences and is doing its best to keep you emotionally safe. But if that isn’t ok with you any longer, and you are ready to step into a more powerful and open version of your self and experience bliss and pleasure with your partner, then you are in the right place, right now. It starts with becoming aware that you have two brains; the one you think with, and the one in your yoni (vagina). Your brain is actually your most powerful sex organ. You already know this, but typically nothing happens in your body until a man stimulates your mind, right? And if that is true for you, then it should already start to make sense to you that pain during sex is not exclusively a physical condition. When you are emotionally clear and your brain and heart are turned on, the arousal in the yoni will follow naturally. The biggest challenge with painful sex is the cycle that it perpetuates; sex is not enjoyable and therefore you become less interested in it, and if you are in a relationship then the pressure to perform and satisfy your lover may cause you to “give in” and continue to have sex without enjoying it, acting out of guilt or obligation. And if this continues, you will likely start resenting your partner for this. If this is true for you, this might be a wakeup call to have a serious heart-to-heart conversation with your lover about how to turn you on, or, possibly re-evaluate your relationship. On the other hand, if having painful sex has been something you’ve been experiencing previously before your current partner, then now my be a good time to dig deeper into your self and see where the growth opportunity might lie. It might be easier to blame your partner, but starting with your own personal healing journey is probably a wise path to start with.
What are your beliefs about sex?
A good place to start is to deeply consider your beliefs about sex. Do you often have guilt or shame about your body or having sex? What did your religion teach you about sex? What beliefs did you inherit from your family? Did you grow up thinking sex was bad, or that having sex outside of marriage would send you to hell? Did you have an embarrassing sexual situation that forever changed your view about sex?
How is your emotional well-being?
Do you regularly take care of your emotional health? Are you generally happy in your life? If not, sex is not likely going to be your medicine, but something that reaffirms your unhappiness by being unfulfilled. Start with honoring yourself and your emotional needs. When you can truly love yourself as you are, you open yourself to experiencing love from your partner in a much deeper way.
How is your physical wellness?
One often overlooked area is your physical wellness and fitness. A healthy body is more likely to experience deeper pleasure. A regular physical fitness practice can certainly help. While weight lifting and harsh exercises can sometimes harden the body, a regular yoga practice can open your body and provide deeper healing and opening.
How is your diet?
Do you find yourself emotionally eating? Do you have a challenge with your weight, or judging yourself for the way you look? A healthy diet can certainly be a contributing factor to having more enjoyable sex. Also, having a healthy relationship with the food you eat is extremely important as a self-love practice.
While there are many possible reasons for having painful sex, in my experience the most significant reason is the energy blocks that prevent your body from experience full arousal. Even if these energy blocks are caused by any other reason listed above or otherwise, a tantra healing massage can help. In a healing massage, the energy blocks are addressed and healed, allowing for deeper arousal and emotional well-being. Most clients report feeling lighter, more powerful, more grounded, and more open after receiving a tantra healing massage. Read more about how a healing massage can help you here:
Release your inner Goddess with Tantra Healing Massage: